Strangely i've been reading a fren's blog much often when i happened to know she kept a blog. Think it's my nature to be so nosey, but it's the curiousity as I've always wanted to know more about my man's frens.
She's my man's buddy's gal. A very cool gal, so much so that i didn't know how to say a simple hi to her. Not that she's aloof but she's just so quiet, but thought that's unlike her. She always seemed so warm with her smile.
My man's buddy always gives me the perception of a playful man, seemingly a man who hasn't really grown up, you know, the usual brainless conversation, cold jokes, plain honest replies, but not nicely put into a sentence - such acts will irk people. Ok, at least it irks me and i hate to put up that kind of smiles that i'll act as if i wouldn't mind, but deep inside me, i feel like strangling him and knock his empty head with my knuckles (ouch, that'll hurt myself instead).
Maybe I'm not used to his frankness, but then again, i don't think i'm subject to such irritation. Anyhow, I dunno him long enuf to change this perception deeply etched.
Back to her blog, as I read, I felt she's like the past me. Searching aimlessly for her true self, which she didn't know how and whether it's really herself. Then also, running away from people, shunning herself from those who want to care for her. Not her parents nor her close frens. She just want to wallop in self-pitiness. Actually she's not alone. I've been thru this phase of my life. It's an extremely terrible stage. You feel like leaving all the baggages that you've been carrying and leave for no reason to somewhere, searching. But nowhere can bring you the answers you need & want to hear, except talking to yourself. Nowhere will give you the correct direction at cross roads. You'll probably end up even more lost.
Not many people know my past. Except my family. I pitied they went thru with me & tolerated my silence.
I had a tattoo, to prove to myself that i have high threshold. i'm reborn. I did. I proved.
I smoked a lot then. Nothing to prove on this actually, but the smoking habit caught on me. Troubled, smoking & dazing brought me to another world, which made me completely more lost in my own world.
But I never submerged myself in drinking. Never I indulged in alcohol. I knew my limits. I still want to be in control.
I partied. More than ever. Every Wed, Fri, Sat... hanging around with my party machi. Lost in the darkness, with strong drum-&-bass beats, knew many other ppl, I was happy. Really happy. I thought I found my freedom. But I lied to myself. People who immense themselves in such loud hangouts, have so many frens too apparent, are nonetheless, more lonely than the rest.
I chatted. With a fren often too late in the nite till too early in the morn. Fav hanging coffee place, the coffee place behind Chomp Chomp. A real cool place. Quiet. We talked about our dreams. But very ironically, we were really dreaming then. Or at least, I'm still the one. Last heard, he ventured into films. Good for him.
I tanned. Weekly. Then I was a tanned golden sista, completed with a nice tan, with gold streaks of hi-lites, changed my hair color every month, bleached with blonde, ash greens, browns... top up with make up. Frequented the beaches, clad with cool bikinis... Ooohhh, how I missed my glamorous past now that I recalled.
My man, if you're reading this, eversince we're together, I've given up my glamorous lifestyle, I forgo my loud & happening looks cos I didn't want to scare your parents, I gave up smoking. Full time, completely. Though of cos, at times, some puffs for some functions. U know, the usual for the "show"... what kind of excuse is that? So lame, I chided myself. I stop partying. I didn't know when, but I know somehow i'm sick of living in the neonlights, light sticks, smokes & loud drum-&-bass. I mellowed into simple tones.
I can give up all those as I've turned myself away from my dark life.
But I regretted not lifting my soul to immense myself in creativity. I want my music soul back. To remain sane.
Man, and I need another tattoo. This time, we shall do it together.
My fren, if u happened to read this, the stage of my past was due to my lost self. I shunned all. I looked sunny. I was such a liar to myself & to those who care for me.
I know you're smarter than me and brighter as well.
I believe strongly in horoscope. I'm a piscean. I'm often dreaming and dark.
Hence, I know you'll eventually be strong & well. I'll give you a hug when I see ya.
Love.
No comments:
Post a Comment